I leave tomorrow to get married.
I met Mindy (who's name I haven't yet mentioned in this blog) 3 and a half years ago. It was an awkward first meeting to say the least. Awkward enough that it took a year of chasing to convince her I was worth dating. It was 2 and a half years ago that she finally said she would be my girlfriend, and about 6 months since she said she'd marry me.
I write tonight because I want a record of what I'm about to say, because what I'm about to say cannot be taken lightly on my part.
This week has been an amazing week. A week that has finally made clear many things that God has been calling me to do, but that I have been ignoring.
I've been a Christian now for several years, but for the most part I've been a Christian in appearance and reputation. Don't get me wrong, I don't question my salvation. If I would have died a year ago, I would have gone to be with Jesus. On the other hand, I am realizing that through the last couple years, God has been working in my heart, and my flesh has not kept up. I apologize if that sounds "churchy," but that's really the only way I could think to put it.
It boils down to this; I do not love as Jesus has called me to love, I do not trust Jesus the way that I should, and I am not walking the path that God is calling me to walk.
I am getting married in 4 days to a woman I know God has set apart as precious and holy for me, so I must and will from now on, love her as I am supposed too. It's sad to say that I am so far detached from truly loving (and not just loving with strings attached) that I have to physically demand myself to do it, but I'm afraid that's what it has come to. This week has shown me what it is to truly love, and I choose tonight to bury my selfish love and love Mindy the way the Christ loves the church.
Then there's odediance. Mindy said to me the other day "I fell in love with your smile, but I never see it anymore." She was right. I come home from a day at work, where I'm considered talented and intelligent, and where I make a descent amount of money and I can't even muster up the slightest smile. The only time I seem to smile is when I'm on the road with the band. I know I'm called to ministry in the band, but I'm realizing now that I am called to ministry beyond the band as well, and this is where trust comes in.
I have never truly trusted God with my finances. I understand finances and enjoy the study of money and how it works, and the thought of not having it scares me. Enough so, that I hold on to a job that is damaging my life and my relationships because it comes with a good paycheck. I do want to mention that I feel this job was a blessing, and I believe God gave it to me for a purpose, but now that it has fulfilled this purpose, I will soon be called to leave it and with less "security," venture into a life of full time ministry.
A life I don't necessarily feel qualified for...
but I'm not the judge of that.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
2007: Year of the Rock
and I don't mean AC/DC.
In the last 2 months, 2 of my good friends have gotten engaged, and my best friend for the last 7 years was married this weekend. I used to be terrified of marriage, and honestly still was until Chad was married this weekend. It's probably a good thing finally overcame this considering I myself am getting married in September.
It used to be that I was so pre-occupied with the band that any interference to me felt like the death of the band. I remember seeing my old band instructor shred on guitar and tell stories about touring, and I asked him why he quit. He said he met his wife and wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. Then there was my guitar instructor, who was on his 3rd wife. He said he'd known hundreds of guitarists who had been ruined by a woman, because women always want their hand held and that doesn't leave you enough hands for your guitar. So I hardened myself. Nothing was going to get in the way of my guitar playing.
Then I met Emily. Emily was a 5'10" model with blonde hair and green eyes. Suddenly my hardness melted away and soon I forgot about my guitar and my ambition to be a rocker. She didn't ask me too, I just did. I made plans to go back to school, become a pilot, and buy an engagement ring. Then she dumped me. After a year and a half she dumped me. It hurt, but I wasn't scarred. I did however make the decision to never let a woman get in the way again.
I soon dropped out of school and started the Livingstons and lived a miserably happy life. No attachments, just the music. It was great and lonely, just like I thought it should be. I was content, perfectly content... until Mindy came into the picture. It was my summer of 80 concerts and there was one week where I saw her at 4. I later made of fool of myself in front of her at church and she avoided me for months, but then, at one of our shows, she talked to me, and we ended up talking all night. It was great, but not enough for her. She refused to date me for an entire year. Finally after a lot of hard work, she finally came around and accepted my plea to be my girlfriend. That was 2 and a half years ago.
I haven't been an easy man to love. I didn't melt for her like I melted for Emily. I was still cold, hard and career focused. I was afraid, even after the year long persuit, that she would some how try to take everything away from me. I knew her, and knew that she wouldn't, but I had hardened myself so completely that it took a lot to soften me up again. For some reason though, she stuck by me. I really don't know why. I'm not that good looking, I'm kinda boring and am really just mediocre all around. Beyond that she's just way too good for me to begin with. But for some reason she has stuck by me and she's made me realize, that despite what I was "taught" in the past, a good woman can help you on your journey and not just get in the way.
I look forward to this big step that my friends and I are all taking. I'm sure it won't make things any easier, but it's not like anything has ever come easy with this band. Who knows, maybe the women that are joining our ranks will be the ones who finally push us hard enough get where we're going. Maybe us guys aren't tough enough by ourselves. We'll just have to see.
In the last 2 months, 2 of my good friends have gotten engaged, and my best friend for the last 7 years was married this weekend. I used to be terrified of marriage, and honestly still was until Chad was married this weekend. It's probably a good thing finally overcame this considering I myself am getting married in September.
It used to be that I was so pre-occupied with the band that any interference to me felt like the death of the band. I remember seeing my old band instructor shred on guitar and tell stories about touring, and I asked him why he quit. He said he met his wife and wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. Then there was my guitar instructor, who was on his 3rd wife. He said he'd known hundreds of guitarists who had been ruined by a woman, because women always want their hand held and that doesn't leave you enough hands for your guitar. So I hardened myself. Nothing was going to get in the way of my guitar playing.
Then I met Emily. Emily was a 5'10" model with blonde hair and green eyes. Suddenly my hardness melted away and soon I forgot about my guitar and my ambition to be a rocker. She didn't ask me too, I just did. I made plans to go back to school, become a pilot, and buy an engagement ring. Then she dumped me. After a year and a half she dumped me. It hurt, but I wasn't scarred. I did however make the decision to never let a woman get in the way again.
I soon dropped out of school and started the Livingstons and lived a miserably happy life. No attachments, just the music. It was great and lonely, just like I thought it should be. I was content, perfectly content... until Mindy came into the picture. It was my summer of 80 concerts and there was one week where I saw her at 4. I later made of fool of myself in front of her at church and she avoided me for months, but then, at one of our shows, she talked to me, and we ended up talking all night. It was great, but not enough for her. She refused to date me for an entire year. Finally after a lot of hard work, she finally came around and accepted my plea to be my girlfriend. That was 2 and a half years ago.
I haven't been an easy man to love. I didn't melt for her like I melted for Emily. I was still cold, hard and career focused. I was afraid, even after the year long persuit, that she would some how try to take everything away from me. I knew her, and knew that she wouldn't, but I had hardened myself so completely that it took a lot to soften me up again. For some reason though, she stuck by me. I really don't know why. I'm not that good looking, I'm kinda boring and am really just mediocre all around. Beyond that she's just way too good for me to begin with. But for some reason she has stuck by me and she's made me realize, that despite what I was "taught" in the past, a good woman can help you on your journey and not just get in the way.
I look forward to this big step that my friends and I are all taking. I'm sure it won't make things any easier, but it's not like anything has ever come easy with this band. Who knows, maybe the women that are joining our ranks will be the ones who finally push us hard enough get where we're going. Maybe us guys aren't tough enough by ourselves. We'll just have to see.
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