Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Love, or a lack thereof

I leave tomorrow to get married.

I met Mindy (who's name I haven't yet mentioned in this blog) 3 and a half years ago. It was an awkward first meeting to say the least. Awkward enough that it took a year of chasing to convince her I was worth dating. It was 2 and a half years ago that she finally said she would be my girlfriend, and about 6 months since she said she'd marry me.

I write tonight because I want a record of what I'm about to say, because what I'm about to say cannot be taken lightly on my part.

This week has been an amazing week. A week that has finally made clear many things that God has been calling me to do, but that I have been ignoring.

I've been a Christian now for several years, but for the most part I've been a Christian in appearance and reputation. Don't get me wrong, I don't question my salvation. If I would have died a year ago, I would have gone to be with Jesus. On the other hand, I am realizing that through the last couple years, God has been working in my heart, and my flesh has not kept up. I apologize if that sounds "churchy," but that's really the only way I could think to put it.

It boils down to this; I do not love as Jesus has called me to love, I do not trust Jesus the way that I should, and I am not walking the path that God is calling me to walk.

I am getting married in 4 days to a woman I know God has set apart as precious and holy for me, so I must and will from now on, love her as I am supposed too. It's sad to say that I am so far detached from truly loving (and not just loving with strings attached) that I have to physically demand myself to do it, but I'm afraid that's what it has come to. This week has shown me what it is to truly love, and I choose tonight to bury my selfish love and love Mindy the way the Christ loves the church.

Then there's odediance. Mindy said to me the other day "I fell in love with your smile, but I never see it anymore." She was right. I come home from a day at work, where I'm considered talented and intelligent, and where I make a descent amount of money and I can't even muster up the slightest smile. The only time I seem to smile is when I'm on the road with the band. I know I'm called to ministry in the band, but I'm realizing now that I am called to ministry beyond the band as well, and this is where trust comes in.

I have never truly trusted God with my finances. I understand finances and enjoy the study of money and how it works, and the thought of not having it scares me. Enough so, that I hold on to a job that is damaging my life and my relationships because it comes with a good paycheck. I do want to mention that I feel this job was a blessing, and I believe God gave it to me for a purpose, but now that it has fulfilled this purpose, I will soon be called to leave it and with less "security," venture into a life of full time ministry.

A life I don't necessarily feel qualified for...

but I'm not the judge of that.