Back before Mindy and I got married, we had a couple
pre-marital counseling sessions. At one point, the counselor asked me a
question (I don’t remember what it was) and my response was “Sometimes I feel
kind of schizophrenic.” He actually snapped at me angrily saying “Have you ever
known someone with schizophrenia? It’s a horrible disease and you have no idea
what it could possibly be like.” Needless to say, we never talked about why I
feel “kind of schizophrenic,” so I've taken the last
seven or eight years to figure it out for myself.
First off, I’m not claiming to have schizophrenia. The
counselor was right in that it’s a horrible disease and most people don’t
understand it. On the other hand, the general idea of someone with schizophrenia
is that they have “multiple personalities,” and I do in fact feel that I've got
three separate personalities that dictate what I care about.
1. Artistic/Entrepreneurial – Where I’m practicing guitar
for hours, exploding with song ideas, and thinking up business ideas.
2. Testosterone Driven – Where I’m lifting weights and training
for hours on end.
3. Educational/Strategic - Where I’m reading 20 books, inventing
my own games, and making step by step plans for the next five years of my life.
These personalities don’t get along with each other. When
one is present, the others go away. When I’m feeling artistic/entrepreneurial,
lifting weights or reading a book is a begrudging chore. When I’m feeling
testosterone driven I’ll spend hours and hours at the gym and forget I even own
a guitar. When I’m feeling educational/strategic, I’ll stick my nose in a book
and get annoyed if I have to do anything else. The problem is that progress requires consistency, and it’s
very difficult to be consistent when you switch between loving and hating the
same things several times a year.
Keep in mind, I didn't understand any of this about
myself for a long time and as a result I found myself moving from one thing to
the next and never finishing anything. One month I would want to start a band, the next month I'd want to go back to college, the next month I'd want to compete in ten Jiu Jitsu tournaments. It caused me to lose confidence in myself
and my ability to follow through on anything. It left me wandering aimlessly.
But then something occurred to me. I realized that sometimes
I hated certain music one month and loved it the next. Soon it became evident that there was a distinct correlation between the type of
music I listened to and my current interests. I realized that my taste in music
tended to predict when I would switch from one interest to another. Once I’d
figured this out, I started tracking the changes, and soon I’d categorized my “personalities.”
When I’m feeling artistic/entrepreneurial, I listen to blues, country, and indie
rock. When I’m feeling testosterone driven it’s all heavy metal. When I’m
feeling educational/strategic, I listen to podcasts and audio books.
The benefit to understanding this about myself is that I’m able
to trick myself into consistency. If I've been listening to country, I know I’m
feeling artistic/entrepreneurial and it’s going to be difficult to be
consistent in the weight room. I trick myself into lifting by reminding myself that
I’ll be more successful as a performer and personal trainer if I’m in shape and
look good. If I’m listening to podcasts, I know I’m feeling
educational/strategic so I’ll make sure to read books that will
benefit my art, business, and fitness goals, in addition to putting the books
down and going to the gym a couple times a week. If I’m listening to metal, I know I’m feeling
testosterone driven, and I try to take an hour or two away from the gym to work
on other things that are important to me. In the end it helps me stay
relatively consist with all the things I care about, even if I feel like I don’t
care about them at the moment.
Schizophrenia? No. Crazy? Maybe. But I make it work the best
I can.
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